My voice teacher hosted a small Christmas concert for her students today at my music school. It was a way for us to get some performance experience in a non-competitive environment--many of whom had never sung in public before. Everyone was nervous, but it was a very supportive and friendly environment with a studio full of proud parents and one especially proud and well-meaning teacher.
Let me paint the picture for you. Imagine eleven female students--nine of which were 12 or under. One girl in her early teens. And me. I'm pretty sure there are people my age who are voice teachers themselves or have children who could have performed today. So yes, I felt a bit out of place on the age front; but on the nerves side, I was probably almost at par with the rest of them. Still!
It was so nice to witness this almost on a parental level. Even though I could barely hear the voices of half of the girls, I knew what a big deal this was for them, how hard they were trying, and how delighted their parents were to be there and hear them sing. It takes guts to sing in front of people, whether you're six or sixty; not only are you exposed vocally, but emotionally as well (and connecting with a piece is a skill yours truly is still trying to hone in on). Any little crack in the voice or wrong note is almost always noticed. Then there's the fear of forgetting the words.
My biggest enemy in singing (other than my own nerves) is the A-vowel. For some reason, it's a constant struggle to have the right amount of brightness and depth in tone. The sound just always wants to fall back. Conversely (and if you're curious), my best friend is the U-vowel (pronounced oo). It's easier to focus and so I don't need to worry about it as much. Call it my vocal safety blanket.
Today I sang O Holy Night and Must the Winter Come So Soon?, an aria from Samuel Barber's opera Vanessa. I was not really looking forward to O Holy Night because I had just memorized the second verse last night and it just so happened that almost all of the high notes were the dreaded A-vowel. The Vanessa aria, on the other hand, is one of my favourite pieces to sing and, based on her feedback, my teacher's favourite for me. Guess why? Most of the high notes are focussed vowels like ee and oo ("soon"), so yes, I was amped to perform this for the first time. Or at least I was until the nerves kicked in. Which they inevitably did. Blargh!
I was shaking a bit and my throat wasn't as relaxed or open as when I was practicing at home earlier today. The only remedy is more performance experience. And/or, as Nicky and Numz would say, some kind of anti-anxiety medication (to which I just say no!).
After we all sang there was time for mingling. I spoke with some of the parents and they were extremely kind to me. A few mothers encouraged me to pursue opera as a career even though I told them I had been rejected by an opera program six years ago, to which they said "But that was six years ago!". And they're right, it really was six years ago. Things have changed. Some things, however, are the same. I don't know if I have what it takes. And if I've waited so long already, doesn't that say something? Wouldn't someone who wanted to do opera have exhausted all of their avenues by now? Because it's more than just having a voice. It's passion, commitment, drive, fearlessness, and determination. It's connection and focus. Last time I checked, I don't have any of those things.
I'm waiting for a sign, or someone's expert voice to tell me the truth.
Remember how many years late Teddy Rhodes was in starting his career? And how awesome he still was?
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