During hot yoga class tonight, my instructor said something that got me thinking. She mentioned that in her classes this week, she is focussing on getting people to let go of what they don't want to bring with them in the new year. I immediately knew what this would be for me: fear and insecurity. Oftentimes I am perfectly fine; my mind is at ease, my heart rate is normal, there is no flush in my cheeks. But I succumb to Fear far too often in every form it takes: worry, anxiety, unwillingness to take risks. I'm not saying one should be devoid of fear--absence of fear, I feel, would eliminate one's drive to improve; and it is, evolutionarily speaking, a survival mechanism--but I fear, fittingly enough, that Fear is holding me back. It is the mud my boots are stuck in, the tether from an ever-fixèd mark I cannot see.
And Insecurity, where do I start with you? I know I am much happier with myself now than in my teens, and sometimes I wonder if you are something that will fade away with age and experience. It is easy to admire people who seem so sure of themselves, so confident (how I would love a dose of their self-assurance!). There have been moments--perhaps too few--where you've melted into obscurity; but most of the time, when you relate to my ability, appearance, or character, I cannot help but have you at the forefront of my thoughts. You and Fear are a poison I want to be rid of; or rather, a virus whose vaccine I would prefer. Exposure to you without the symptoms.
Overcoming these obstacles, of course, is easier said than done. How many times during the past year did I resolve to improve some part about myself only to not try at all? It's easy to push these promises aside and make excuses. Too easy. But at least I have something to let go of in the new year, a personal goal to achieve.
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