Pensieri I

It's been almost five weeks since I arrived in Italy and I've finally had a moment to stop, take a breath and think.

So much of my life has changed already and yet at the epicentre everything is still the same. I have a new set of friends, a new way of life, and really, a whole new life. I am living in a city I am in love with and I feel so lucky to be here. It's a long-term relationship that I'm savouring while we're still together because I know that in a few short months we'll have to say goodbye...and unfortunately you can't Skype with a city or have it visit you back home.

I am grateful that my roommates are such friendly and wonderful people; that Posh, whom I share a room with, has quickly become my closest friend here and that we continue to enjoy each other's company every day (at least that's how I feel, I'm not so sure about her!).

I'm happy to be a student again, learning a language I love (and still get fed up with, i.e. agreement of verbs with gender and number!); that I have a teacher whom I admire as a person, and small classes with people from all around the world.

And I cook everyday! Don't judge me, but it's almost always pasta and I have a few staple recipes. I miss Ma's Chinese soup (actually all mom's cooking) and Giagi's whistling in the kitchen while he cooks, the sound of Chiara's little footsteps as she trots down the hallway, and preparing my famous soy chai lattes. Oh chai!

Without Mark Zuckerberg and his creation of Facebook, I would feel very isolated from my friends back home. I'm happy that I get to see a glimpse of their lives and keep some form of contact with them, whether it's a wall-post, photo, or the semi-old-fashioned way--an email. Emails are my absolute favourite, and to those of you who have written me, please know how much you made my day!

And while the past month has been a period of transition and novelty, I am still faced with my biggest demon: myself. I can still feel myself holding me back from things, worrying, thinking too much about what other people may or may not think, being too concerned with what should be insignificant. It's unhealthy and disheartening and it needs to stop. Don't get me wrong, I have opened myself up to people and change. I want to change--that's one of the main reasons I decided to come to Italy. I am generally happy and I do love myself. But there are these moments when Insecurity tiptoes into my head, and on a rainy day like today when I have no fresh memory of happiness to draw from, he finds a spot to graze for awhile and truly resembles a Dementor.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Today's word of the day is pensieri, or "thoughts". I have a lot of them.