I had been anticipating my audition today since around October/November.
It wasn't for anything major or life-altering: it's not to get me into a school and the performance itself (if I get in) won't be seen by very many people. But for me it was a HUGE deal, not only because I love to sing, but also because I had kept myself away from singing in public for about six years. And that long period of time has definitely taken its toll.
I already normally get nervous before singing in front of anyone, but because it's been such a long time since I've had exposure to the festival/recital/audition process, today was a thousand times worse. My nerves used to subside by the time I had to sing. Today, however, my throat started closing up a bit so that when I talked, it sounded like I had a sore throat. And when it was my turn to audition, I was shaking like a leaf. For the duration of the whole song. OMG.
Maybe to the adjudicators/other participants, it sounded okay; but to me, it could have been better (as I always think of myself). I had a small crack in one of my first high notes and other than that there were no noticeable errors.
My main thoughts after the audition were these:
1) The last time I auditioned for something was to get into the UBC School of Music Opera Program in April 2004. Looking back now, I know I wasn't ready, but rejection is always a hard thing to get over. I often wonder how different my life would be now if I had continued trying. I gave up my voice lessons after high school because music festivals (competitions) take place in April, and that's exam season in university...so it would be a waste of money to train and then not be able to perform. (That's the reason I told myself anyway.)
2) At my age, you'd think that by now I would be able to have stage presence, but it still remains my Achilles heel. I tell people all the time that I can't lie or act, and it's true. I don't think I have ever really physically emoted in any performance. You can hear emotions but you can't see them. It's something I would like with my whole heart to be able to do, and it is one of the reasons I detest my shyness--it has held me back from so many opportunities and I can't simply switch it off.
Wouldn't it be great if a machine existed that could scan your passions, thoughts, personality, ability, and talents and provide you with a set career goal which you could strive for? Sometimes I think it was so much easier in our parents' generation because they didn't have as many choices or opportunities for what they wanted to do. But then I have to remind myself that choice is a good thing. If only I could make mine...
Aww Giosy I'm sorry that you were so nervous during your performance. But cheer up, like you said, it's possible the other people may not have noticed, and you didn't make any noticeable mistakes other than that first high note. I bet you will still make it in ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't think stage presence comes from age, I think it comes from practice. And you haven't had any public performances since high school, so you can't expect yourself to have it now. You have to keep working on it!
Did you know that they have pills to help people who have stage fright? Hehe I have some extra at home if you need them next time. But I know you will reject my offer because you hate taking pills!
Aww Giosy, I'm sure you audition went better than you thought. We are our own worst critic, and I know you can be quite hard on yourself. You are amazingly talented and you have a very beautiful voice (accept it ;]). I'm sure the adjudicators recognized your talent.
ReplyDeleteBelle is right about stage presence coming from practice. Some people are naturally at ease with a large audience, but most people freak out at the prospect of being in front of so many people. However, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon enough.
Goodness, Belle, there are pills to help you overcome stage fright? Why on earth do you have some in your possession???